I Am Tired, I Am Trying

Excuses. That’s what my brain is filled with today.

I feel tired, dehydrated, unmotivated, uninspired, and just generally off.

For me, I need to have a task done from start to finish to be happy—or at least content that I achieved something. Today, that is barely happening. So far, this is the third blog post I’ve drafted. The first two felt right… until they didn’t. They’ve been shoved back into the drafts for now as I wasn’t happy with either of them. Why? The flow, the tone, the meaning getting lost. My brain just wasn’t able to finish them. As I got to that point, I sat here and wondered what else I could try. Then it dawned on me—this struggle is exactly what needs to be spoken about.

I am completely new to all of this. This journey is one I started back in October. A 12-month minimum commitment to myself. Realising I was unhappy with the work I was doing, lacking purpose and fulfilment. So, I decided to back myself on something that made sense to me. I had a few rules I push myself to stick to:

• Keep going no matter how many times you restart

• Try even when it’s hard to push through

• No backing down and giving up—I know it’s not easy

• Believe in it, and believe in myself

Things like aiming to improve 1% every day, focusing on the next step only, and letting myself fail—being guided through those failures—have helped me push through. A combination of techniques I’ve backed and believed in, accumulated through many books, podcasts, and chats with other humans. My cherry-picked strategy.

It isn't easy. I haven’t achieved much, yet I’ve achieved a great deal all at once. On paper, my Instagram is progressing slowly. My blog post views are growing gradually. The feedback messages from people watching my journey are deeply touching. So I feel compelled to keep going. And yet… I had hoped by now it would look better. In my mind, I expected the views to have doubled by now. And while I’m nearing 100 followers, I find myself asking why that number isn’t 1,000+, given the reach I’m having.

But I’m sticking to the plan—to just be authentic and post what I think and feel. Let my intuition guide me. What shows me I’m on the right path are the private messages. It’s been eye-opening how many others want to change their lives, are looking for courage to go after their dreams—and just can’t. The support isn’t loud public applause. It’s quiet “well dones” and messages commending me for even starting.

I want to tell you the truth about how it feels to be in it. There have been gaps where I stopped. I gave up. Why? I simply lost the battle with my self-discipline for a while. Gave up trying to fight against myself. When I’m losing that battle, it looks like me sitting and watching TV. Lying in bed. Closing the accounts and not opening them for days. Avoiding thinking. Going through the motions. In some way, overwhelmed. And I understood what I was doing. I let myself. Because facing it and putting the work in is hard. It requires a force in you that I sometimes simply do not have. Then, when I’m ready, I come back to the table and say to myself, “Let’s just start. ”I no longer worry about restarting.

It’s mis-sold to us—that we start and we must keep going, and if we stop, we’ve failed. End of. Our brain often thinks the breaks are failures. Initially, it felt like I was failing when I went back to procrastinating. Chasing those streaks as if they’re the only thing that matters. But what I’ve learnt is this: The more times you reset, refocus, and try again—the easier it gets. We have to keep learning to do that. Not aim to be perfect from the get-go. It’s improbable that we’ll start something and just do it flawlessly without falling back into old patterns.

When I restart, I don’t add pressure anymore. I don’t say to myself “I must do X, Y, Z today.” I understand now to let my mind guide me. Some days I wake up and create three blog posts with ease. Some days I look at a reel for six hours, still hate it, and it goes in the drafts while I pick another battle. My only rule is: I must achieve one thing.

So how about we reframe what productivity looks like?

Instead of chasing a 365-day streak. Instead of wasting time forcing things that just won’t work that day—for reasons we might not even understand—what if we’re just… kinder to ourselves?

Let ourselves stop when we need. Start when we can. Then push—and see how far that takes us. Or maybe how far we can take it. With a bit more experience on hand. And a whole lot more understanding.

What works for the people achieving more than us, doing better than us, building bigger than us—is often a finely tuned set of skills, habits, and thought processes that took years to shape. Just because it looks easy now, doesn’t show the months of internal battles, the countless stop-and-restarts, or the hours poured in behind closed doors.

And we? We are just at the start.

Maybe today my one thing was writing this.

Not the polished, perfect blog I had planned—but the truth. And maybe that’s enough. Maybe that is the work.

This post won’t go in the drafts. This is real, and real matters.

One foot in front of the other—even if they’re shaky today.

I called this journey growth for a reason. Growth isn’t linear.

It’s messy. But it’s happening.

Even today—especially today—I can feel it.